Wyatt's Birth - July 8th, 2008

The day of my son's birth will be probably the most terrifying, rewarding, beautiful and painful day I will ever have in my life. It started poorly when the doctor's burst in telling me I was having a deceleration. They moved me on both sides and finally to my elbows and knees in order to get his heartrate back up. Once his heartrate came back up, they left me alone and went to talk to Dr. Walton. At that point I was thinking to myself that I wasn't sure how much more of this I was going to be able to take, particularly since I was sleeping peacefully at the time and was not aware that anything was wrong with the baby.

When Dr. Walton came in later, I was pretty sure I knew what he was going to say. And he did say that it was time to get him out and soon. I asked what soon meant and he told me we should follow the 9am c-section. That was at 8:40. Dr. Walton rushed my bloodwork while the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me about having a spinal. Luckily, Rus asked her what they could do I became upset (at which point I became upset) and she explained that they could give me a sedative as soon as the baby was out. I was worried about becoming hysterical and convulsively crying during the procedure. She assured me that it was not uncommon for moms to become hysterical during c-sections and they have measures to handle that.

I was still concerned about being awake during the procedure, particularly when I found out that I would feel no pain, but I would still be aware that they were touching and moving me.
She explained that at one point I would feel them push down on my abdomen when they tried to pull the baby out.

They moved me to the OR and Rus stayed behind until they gave me the spinal. I kept wiggling my toes wondering if I should be feeling them or not. Eventually I completely lost control of my legs and most the the feeling up to my breasts. It is good I couldn't feel my legs because I swear I was so scared I wanted to run. I was laying on one of those tables with the arms out to the sides like you are on a cross. A barrier went up so I couldn't see the surgery, which I found even more frightening. Although I can't imagine seeing yourself cut open is particularly calming either. It's just you can feel all this movement, but you don't really know what is going on.

Rus came in and they began the surgery. My body felt like jello, wiggling around and like I had no bones anymore. I heard Dr. Walton say, "OK, here comes your baby" and then I heard Wyatt cry and I just let out a huge sigh of relief. I cried and started to sob every time I heard him. I tried not to sob too much so I wasn't moving around.

Dr. Walton also put Wyatt's head up over the barrier so I could see him. There was just a flash of a purple, bloody little head. I just couldn't believe that was him and he was born.

Closing me up took a lot longer than opening me. Rus waited until the pediatrician called him over and then he spent time with Wyatt. Eventually, after what felt like forever, they wheeled Wyatt over so I could see him. Except I couldn't see him. All I could see was a wrapped bundle. The pediatrician kept blathering on about something and all I wanted to do was see him. Luckily the nurse was with it and lifted him up so I could see his little face. He is an amazing little guy. He looked so perfect. That was about the best look I have gotten at his face so far as each day since his birth has brought new tubes. There is less of his face to see.

Next I went to recovery. My boss stopped by for a visit. She had no idea they had delivered him that morning. After that I was moved to the fifth floor, which I have been on ever since. I really hate the fifth floor.

So, to the painful part. I was determined to see Wyatt in NICU that day. I was in a signifcant amount of pain. The nurse wheeled me down to NICU, but she ran me in to everything and it kept jarring my abdomen. Seeing Wyatt was very emotional. I knew it would be. The nurse said she hoped those were tears of relief. They weren't. It was just really hard to see him in there so small with tubes every where. See, I am making myself cry again just thinking about him. Our visits since then have been much happier I should mention.

On the way back up to my room I got one final shove in to the door jam. It was so painful I started to cry again. I hoped at that point I would just cry myself to sleep, but I was again up most of the night thinking about Wyatt (and being woken up by staff wanting to take my vitals).

This is of course not the kind of birth that anyone wants for themselves. I have had a particularly hard time since I had such a hard time getting pregnant. My pregnancy was going so well. It was too easy I guess. It's hard to be on this floor with all the babies in the rooms next to me. However, when I feel sorry for myself I think about that poor baby in NICU that had to have emergency surgery today. I also think about that mom I see in their occasionally. Her face is filled with so much sorrow. So my breastmilk isn't coming in yet. I will get there. Wyatt is doing great so far. I have every reason to be happy.