Back to high flow

They put Wyatt back on the high flow oxygen. They are going to see if he does better. This is a step backwards. The x-ray today showed the same haziness it did last time and although we thought that the lasik didn't have an impact, we are being told it made a minor improvement. So let's try it again! Tomorrow they will check his electrolytes. They got out of wack during his last doses of lasik, but that isn't unusual.

The nurses (three separate nurses including Pat) keep saying that he has reflux, but the doctor and neonatal nurse practitioner (NNP) are dissmissive of that theory. Apparently, most premies have reflux so it isn't necessarily clinical.

I don't know what to think anymore, but it made me pretty upset. I ended up having to walk out of NICU for a while. I really wanted to leave completely, but what kind of a mother would I be. And I really, really wanted to see Wyatt. I just don't want to be in NICU anymore. I am so sick of the place.

I am getting more terrified of the idea of bringing him home. He is still having occasional bradycardias and apneas. I am being to wonder if he is getting worse? I am sure they won't let him out until he stops those things completely . . . god, I hope so.

I mentioned to the NNP that he had those two days when he was really cranky and how his breathing has been raspy the last two days. She actually examined him and thought his breathing was labored.

They don't think he has an infection. They don't think that he is sick. They don't think he has breastmilk in his lungs. I get so worked up I don't even remember half of what is said anymore.

I just don't know what to think.

When I went back in to NICU, Rus was holding Wyatt and I went to pump. I could tell Wyatt was awake as he was making sweet baby sounds and Rus was talking to him. I came out to hold him and he fell asleep. He was really, really sweet.

I am so worried about my little guy.